The weight of this time we must obey; speak what we feel, not what we ought to say. – From Shakespeare’s King Lear

If you only had one day left on earth, what would you say to your spouse?

Like many of you, I have been overwhelmed by the tragedy in Haiti. My heart has been broken as I’ve looked at pictures, read articles and watched video footage of the devastation that has occurred for tens of thousands of people. In the wake of the earthquake, so many lives have been lost and families are destroyed in a matter of moments.

The earthquake in Haiti is a powerful reminder of how fragile this life really is. Not just for those in Haiti, but for all of us. None of us are promised tomorrow. And yet …

…we often live as if life has no end.

…we are guilty of withholding love and words until a later time.

…we can justify holding on to hurts and grudges, instead of engaging in conversation.

…we live as if we have thousands of tomorrows remaining.

…we wait for those tomorrows and we miss so many todays.

I’m reminded of these lyrics from an old song, Love Me Now, by Brook Benton:

If you’re ever going to love me
Love me now
And if you have something
Good to tell me, tell me now

Darling, don’t wait til I’m gone
Then chisel it in marble
On an ice cold stone
If you’re ever going to love me
Love me now

Why put off for tomorrow
What we should do today
There may not be a tomorrow
Life is funny that way

So if you’re ever going to love me
Love me now
If you’re ever going to love me
Love me now

Cherish today. Keep short accounts. Speak words of love. Engage passionately.

Jeff Helton
Marriage and Family Pastor
+ Fellowship Bible Church
+ 50 Fridays Challenge

A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. -Proverbs 17:22

What are some things that make you laugh out loud?

Laughter really is good medicine. Much research over the past few decades has shown that people with a sense of humor have fewer health problems and sickness than those who are humor-impaired. It’s really nothing new. Solomon taught this principle years ago in the Proverb above.

In our marriages, humor can bring a lot of value: it can help us connect, it can help us cope, it helps us love better, it can create memories, it can be a bridge to forgiveness. Learning to laugh together is a great practice to intentionally develop as you grow intimacy in your marriage.

Be on the lookout for things that make you laugh – movies, sit-coms, telling stories or jokes, certain friendships. Life is certainly serious and, at times, difficult. But there is “a time to laugh”, and when we do our marriages are richer for it.

Laughter, on a daily basis, is like taking a vitamin for your marriage.
- Les and Leslie Parrott, The Love List

Jeff Helton
Marriage and Family Pastor
+ Fellowship Bible Church
+ 50 Fridays Challenge

If we are to develop an intimate relationship, we need to know each other’s desires. If we wish to love each other, we need to know what the other person wants. – Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages

What would you like to do on Valentine’s Day?

When I was in elementary school one of the most stressful days of the year was Valentine’s Day. For several days leading up to February 14, all of us made our personalized mailbox – using materials like cereal boxes, oatmeal canister or a shoe box with tons of glitter, construction paper and paint.

Then the dreaded day came. I brought in my mailbox and waited to see if anyone would give me a Valentine’s card. I didn’t understand at the time that every child had to bring enough cards for everyone in the class! When the day was over and I realized that my mailbox was filled with Valentine’s cards, I couldn’t wait to get home and read all of them. Actually, I just looked through the cards and found the ones that had small candy bars taped to them!

Years have passed and my stress about Valentine’s Day is gone. Even though this day is just another “Hallmark Holiday” rooted in no meaningful history, I’ve learned to enjoy it. For all of our marriages, it’s good to have a day that encourages intentionality and creativity in expressing our love to each other.

It may come through flowers, cards, balloons, special dates, long walks, a romantic evening or even candy! You may go out to a fun restaurant, cook together at home, or order in. You may watch a movie or go to the symphony.

One important thing to do before Valentine’s Day is to ask today’s question of each other. It’s an easy way to make sure you know each other’s expectations and can help you really enjoy this day together. Actually, that’s a great way to live everyday of the year – not just on this Hallmark holiday.

So, in the middle of these cold, winter days, warm up your love life on this Valentine’s Day. Take some time to talk …make a fun plan … express your love creatively to your spouse … and enjoy the love of your life.

Jeff Helton
Marriage and Family Pastor
+ Fellowship Bible Church
+ 50 Fridays Challenge

Of all of the names that Jesus is called, none may be more clear that Emmanuel: God with us.

Not … God near us.
Not … God aware of us.
Not … God close by.

But, God with us.

In every situation.
In every moment.
In every season.
Always.

Take a few minutes together and talk about this question. Then spend some time giving thanks for the profound and glorious truth of Emmanuel: God is with us.

What you say to your partner and how you say it, is the single most important influence on your relationship. Your love life will sink or swim according to how well you communicate. – Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, in Love Talk

What are some ways that you verbalize your love to your spouse? What words do you enjoy hearing from your spouse?

Several thousand years ago, the world’s wisest man wrote these words, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” (Proverbs 18:21). The third chapter of the book of James speaks about the damage that our words can do. As we get older, we realize that the nursery rhyme was wrong, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Especially in our marriages, most of us would prefer sticks and stones over harmful words!

Words can hurt.  But words can also heal.

There’s a lot of hope and healing in the following words:

When we started the 50 Fridays Challenge, we committed to intentionally growing intimacy in our marriages. One way to do that well is to let your words be life-giving to your spouse. How often are you speaking words that encourage and build up your spouse? Are you intentional in growing a vocabulary that communicates love and respect?  As you’re thinking about this, let Ephesians 4:15 be your guide and “speak the truth in love” to your spouse.

It’s you I like,
It’s not the things you wear.
It’s not the way you do your hair,
But it’s you I like.
The way you are right now
The way down deep inside you
Not the things that hide you
Not your diplomas…
They’re just beside you.
But it’s you I like,
Every part of you,
Your skin, your eyes, your feelings,
Whether old or new.
I hope that you’ll remember
Even when you’re feeling blue,
That it’s you I like,
It’s you yourself, it’s you
It’s you I like!
- Mr. Rogers

Evaluate your physical intimacy. Where are you satisfied?  Where would you like to see change?

When you saw this week’s question, what came to your mind? For many men, the first thought was “Finally! A question about sex!” But today’s question is broader than just the topic of sex. The question today invites each couple to talk about physical intimacy (don’t worry men, there will be some specific questions about sexual intimacy soon).

Physical intimacy certainly includes sexual intimacy, but it includes so much more – hand holding, hugs, sitting close to each other on the couch, foot rubs, massages, tender kisses, cuddling and so much more. It’s the things that most of us did naturally when we were dating. And yet over time, it’s easy to stop doing those things and then we miss out on some special and tender moments together. Often it’s these simple things that communicate not only our love for our spouse, but also how much we like and enjoy being with our spouse.

There’s a great benefit in evaluating your physical intimacy. There’s even a greater benefit in enjoying it together. Look for some specific ways this week that you can grow in this important area of marital intimacy.

Jeff Helton
Marriage and Family Pastor
+ Fellowship Bible Church
+ 50 Fridays Challenge

Life itself is the most wonderful fairytale of all. – Hans Christian Andersen

What’s a story from your marriage that you love to tell or hear? What makes that story so special?

My brother-in-law, Brian, is a great story teller. I’m writing this on night after a feast with their family and ours at his house in Batavia, Illinois. Brian had everyone laughing at his stories about his cars through the years: a car that he caught on fire, a car that lost a wheel going down the road, and a convertible that was crushed by a giant pumpkin! I’ve heard some of his stories a dozen times, and yet I never tire of hearing them.

There were 12 of us gathered around the dining room table and after our meal, we spent an hour or so sharing stories from this past year. So many great stories: a fund started by my nephew to help a family in Kenya, a special father-son trip, the joy of a grandfather’s recovery from a stroke this past year, a testimony of a college freshman and God’s faithfulness to him in a year of transition, a special time with family celebrating 50 years of marriage for my in-laws.

So many sweet stories.  Stories that lead to worship. Stories that have an aroma of eternity. There’s nothing like a good story. They make us laugh and remember and delight.

All of our marriages can use more of that. So this weekend, take time to tell some stories. They may be about vacations, holidays, car challenges, the birth of children, moments of loss, a time of redemption, surprise parties, or special gifts. Whatever the stories, they are a great way for us to connect and enjoy the days we’ve shared and to anticipate the making of more stories in the days ahead.

Jeff Helton
Marriage and Family Pastor
+ Fellowship Bible Church
+ 50 Fridays Challenge

If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, “thank you,” that would suffice. – Meister Eckhart, 14th century German theologian

Where do you see God’s faithfulness and mercy in your life and marriage?  What things are you thankful for?

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23 (ESV)

Every [new year], I find myself reflecting on the words of the old hymn, “Great is Thy Faithfulness”, that was inspired by the passage above. If you don’t know the words, you will find them at the bottom of this challenge. [A new year] provides a natural opportunity for us to pause and to remember God’s steadfast love, unceasing mercies, and great faithfulness.  As we consider His great faithfulness, we naturally respond with gratitude, praise and thanksgiving.

Or do we?

Grab your Bible and turn to Luke 17:11-19 and read the story of Jesus healing the ten lepers. In our busy lives, it’s easy to be like “the nine” who enjoy God’s blessing of healing, but don’t stop to say “thank you”. It’s equally easy to do that with our spouses. We enjoy so much of what we get, yet at times we don’t stop to simply say thanks.

Take advantage of this [new year] to be intentional in expressing your gratitude to your spouse, to those you love and to the One who loved you so much that He chose to die rather than live without you.

Jeff Helton
Marriage and Family Pastor
+ Fellowship Bible Church
+ 50 Fridays Challenge

Great is Thy Faithfulness

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not; As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together. – Robert C. Dodds

What were some of the highlights in your marriage in 2009? What New Year’s Resolution would be beneficial for your marriage?

Happy New Year!

Two challenges for you today . . .

First one:  Over the past few weeks, I’ve seen a number of ESPN “Best of 2009″ lists. I love looking back at the best catches of the year or the best come from behind victories. Highlight videos are always a blast to watch.

In a similar fashion, it’s a good exercise to develop your own “Best of 2009″ marriage highlights. To help you with your highlights, think of these areas:
• Vacation
• Spiritual growth
• Transitions (moves, job, graduation, etc.)
• Communication and conflict resolution
• Hobbies
• Financial or budget related
• Date nights
• Time with friends
• Serving others

As you look back together, spend some time giving God thanks for His goodness, provision and faithfulness in 2009.

Second one:  For many of us January 1 means it’s time for New Year’s resolutions. If that’s one of your traditions, be sure to spend some time setting some goals and resolutions for your marriage. Use the highlights list above to help you set a goal (or two) for your marriage for this new year.

After you set your New Year’s Resolution(s), spend some time praying together – asking God to grant you wisdom, courage and strength as you enter 2010.

Jeff Helton
Marriage and Family Pastor
+ Fellowship Bible Church
+ 50 Fridays Challenge

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. – C.S. Lewis

What would be your dream vacation?  (Don’t worry about the cost or any logistics … remember, it’s a dream vacation!)

One of my children, Jacob, recently had a school project that required planning a vacation out of the country and he chose Madrid, Spain as his destination. For the project, he had to create a PowerPoint presentation that included how he would get there, where he would stay, the restaurants he would eat in, and the attractions that he would visit. As I was watching him practice his presentation on the night before he turned it in, I found myself wanting to go to Spain! Later that night I started looking at other places on the web that I would like to visit. With the help of Google Earth I visited the Eiffel Tower, Buckingham Palace and the Opera House in Sydney, Australia. I had a blast.

The reality is that most of the time I’m pretty practical about where I’d like to go or what I’d like to do. I rarely take the time to dream big. Not just about vacation locations, but about a lot of things in life. It’s easy to become very practical and responsible. But there’s a place for dreaming, especially in our marriages. Sometimes the dreaming can be just for fun (like today’s question). Sometimes the dreaming can help us prepare for the future (financial savings, house changes, serving opportunities, etc.). Sometimes the dreaming allows us to envision what our marriages can become and where we can grow together.

As we dream, we arouse hope. When hope is awakened, it provides the opportunity for us to trust, not merely in our dreams, but to trust that God’s plan for our lives and marriage is better than anything that we can ask, think or even dream. In Eugene Peterson’s paraphrase of the Bible, he writes: “God can do anything you know-far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.” (Ephesians 3:21, The Message).

So as you dream together this week, be reminded that God is at work to see His good purposes accomplished.  Dream and allow hope to rise. As that happens, watch as God accomplishes His good and perfect plan in your life.

Jeff Helton
Marriage and Family Pastor
+ Fellowship Bible Church
+ 50 Fridays Challenge